A conversation

Abba,

O Lord, what can I write?

I don't know how You put up with my disobedience. I'm so stubborn. I'm just like a petulant child, demanding that You need to put the desires in my heart.

But is it wrong Lord? My Abba. I feel like I'm taking advantage of Your love for me. Always counting on You to rescue me. Knowing of Your goodness. And everytime You do, I just feel so loved and thankful. And then I make the same mistake again. And I don't like it at all!

But I'm still like that child, refusing to budge. Wassup man?!

I haven't been eating well. I think. I've been listening and feeding on the sermons. But I missed the reading. I missed feeling having Your precious seeds fall on a fertile tender heart, hungry for Your Word. At times, I feel like, "hey, I know this already." But I don't right? Or else I wouldn't be writing like this.

I know You Lord. I know You love me. And I'm so glad that You reassure me so many times. But Lord, what's next? What's the next step? What does it mean to flow with You? To soar upon eagle's wings - 'cos right now I feel like I'm just perching.

I'm grumpy Abba. Just plain grumpy. Not angry - that's too tiring. And I'm glad I can be grumpy with You. That I can be free to be myself with You. But Abba, it's so unexciting to be grumpy.

I remember the thrill of being in love. Yes Lord, hooked on love. Madly in love with Jesus. And this thing about being married to Him - well, I want to feel the romance everyday!

And there's nothing to do but allow You to love me? The thing is Lord, I don't allow You enough. I just can't quiet myself and fix my mind, my heart, my soul on You. Even being so close to You, You just awe me You know. I'm not complaining. I love it when You touch my heart, say that You love me... I guess I have this secret fear.. what if one day I come, and I just don't feel anything? So I'm apprehensive to come into Your presence. Silly right?

Sometimes I feel so young. Like You know so much. And I'm just a child. And sometimes I feel that I have to grow up. Be responsible etc... but there's nothing more that I want to do than depend on You. Is that the struggle of the flesh? And then I go the other extreme...

Abba, feed me more! I know You are good. You are just pouring something into my spirit, and it's frustrating because I don't understand yet. Does it make sense to You? I know it does.. You know everything.

Tell me again. How do You see me?

As a beloved daughter. Beautiful and pure. Honoured and gifted. Endowed with healing hands and anointed. Wearing the mantle of a priest and the crown of royalty. Carrying Your glory. Holding the sceptor. Commanding, decreeing, words of life proceeding. Favoured, a shining destiny. A retinue of angels, ministering spirits sent forth to minister to the heirs of this world. More than a conqueror. In Christ. Seated at the right hand. Close to the Father's heart. Hidden in His bosom. Precious. Treasured. Deeply loved. Inseparable. Ever in My thoughts.

Abba, Your affirming words gives me rest. I am not ashamed to come to You to be washed from the weariness of the world. Apart from You I am dry Lord. Intellectual pursuits is no substitute for Your living waters.

Thank You Lord for Your peace that guards my heart. That keeps You in my mind. You are the one that is holding on to me. You'll never let me out of Your sight. You make sure that I don't stray away from You.

I didn't forget Lord. That day, that prayer I made, walking up that slope on the way home. I just knew You Abba, as really, my Daddy. And I remembered telling You that You have all the keys to my heart, my mind, my soul, my life. That I've given it all to You. I know You have brought that memory in remembrance. I remember what You said, how You felt. You were moved. You said You loved me and I felt Your embrace. When I said that Abba, I was afraid. Afraid to be apart from You like I was before. And finding You, knowing You Jesus, I never wanted to be apart again. And I was afraid that one day, I would leave You. But You reassured me. You'll never let me part from You ever ever ever again. How precious I am to You my Lord!

I love talking to You Abba. It's been such a long time since we had such a heart to heart chat aside from the hurried one-liners that I toss towards You at other times.

Thank You for blessing my family with choices for a new place. Suddenly, we get bigger places at lower prices, and it just keeps coming, and I know that it's You Abba.

I hope I can sit still and just let You love me.

Why do men labout to enter the rest?

I just want more, more of You Jesus. More revelation of You Jesus. I'm just so hungry for You right now. And You are just so generous in the giving of Yourself.

I love You, I love You, I love You!

You're cool Man! You're just so great! Saviour, Lord, King! and Mine!

I love it! I love being able to come into Your presence freely and unload my baggage on You. You love me so much You take all my crap. I still wonder at times, why You love me so much. I know.. You just do right?

Ah.. Lord! It's Your goodness that leads me to repentence!

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever! Excellent! Eternity!

You're such a wonderful, great, swell Dad! I just want to love You more!

Ciao. Night. Sleep. Luv Ya! Luv ya, luv ya, luv ya!

Oh, You fill me up until I want to be like David, dancing with all His might before the Ark. I want to do cartwheels until I am exhausted! Hahahahahaha... You have put the smile back onto my face my Love!

Okay, really now, good night Darling!