Dreams and work

A lot of things can be subtle - self-condemnation, I know for a long time is like that. Especially when one is a Christian, and you think you should have known better. I struggle to remind myself, as the Word says, that it is through beholding that I am transformed from glory to glory. And not to judge my self-worth, no matter how compelling the world's standards are, by what I have and see. But to have that revelation, that Christ in me, the Lord's presence is EVERYTHING.

True satisfaction lies in Christ alone.

I wrote this entry in mid-November 2005 but did not publish it here on the blog.

Re-reading it, nothing much has changed. I realised how difficult it is to gird the mind, to constanting renew it with the Word of God.

I don't think it is an uplifting entry, more like a plea to the Lord. I feel that I would now like to publish it with some minor editing. Perhaps you may draw some insight into your own situation if you're feeling like me:-



A leader quoted this from General McArthur. It really spoke to me.

"The years will wrinkle your skin, but the lost of dreams will wrinkle your soul."

Why?

'Cos I've been feeling unenthusiastic about my job.

For me, I don't find obstacles in my job difficult - as long as I enjoy it. Objectively, to lots of people, rejection isn't easy. Subjectively to me, my job has been a breeze before, despite the 'rejections' because I enjoyed it.

But lately for the past few months, it's been a drag. Things now, are supposed to be much easier but why have I not been enjoying it?

I know that my job is a ministry but my heart does not know it yet.

Why do I feel UP on Sundays and down on Mondays when I haven't felt it before?

Previously, when I was new, my time and attention was focused on skills and knowledge. Not knowing anything, I depended heavily on the Lord. Now, after months, my skills and knowledge reflect my experience. I still depend on Him. But what had been a challenging but exciting process - now has plato-ed.

On Sundays and bible study nights, life is fed. Infused by the surety of His Word and confidence in His love. But then, working in the world - well, it's all about wages. Do this and you'll get that. Go, go, sell, sell, look at the production, see the money!

Man, I like money, I do! I love to spend it. But other then that, money does not motivate me. So I work until I have enough then I am contented - which is really a lazy way out 'cos it's mediocre standard and God deserves my best in this ministry.

Yet, I can only work my best when I enjoy it.

And God gives us freely all things to enjoy!

Why did God give me a job?

To enjoy! A job is for me to express the gifts that He has given to me.

And this was what I did for the first 18 months in my job. Now, I'm just so blah about it, 'cos everything has become routine - and they're pushing to motivate us in the company revolves around $$$ which is like, so what?

I'm wondering? What's up with me? Is it time for another job? Another company?

Prayed about it. To the former, I think the answer's no. To the latter, I think the answer's also no, though my mind and heart perhaps need a little convincing.

And today I got the answer.

The loss of dreams.

I've to learn to dream again. To dream again specifically in regards to my work. Not just do the things. It's not about once having a dream... people forget. I forgot my dreams through the months as I got caught up in the day to day affairs.

I guess that's why I feel up on weekends and blah during the weekdays.

On Sundays and midweek, the Word goes forth, to sozo - eternity is being set in my heart. Where the good news, the gospel, His love goes forth, faith stirs, the spirit rejoices, the soul, the mind, the emotions, the body is refreshed.

How to translate it to work?

I realised that there is no 'Pastor', no someone at work who can light the fire - speak to me in a language that I can identify. What's my 'motivation'? Talk to me about dreams. Talk to me about a cause. Speak to me about the future. Constant remind me, speak to me of ideas, help me identify ownership over what I do. Teach me how to achieve it.

I think I have a problem with pride at work. In my psyche, I justify it 'cos my work is commission-based, and by virtue of the nature of my work, I am not considered an employee of the company. My job is like my own little business. It's a very 'me' attitude. But I can't seem to change it. And to be frank, I think I'm condemning myself over this issue of insubordination. I can't bring myself to submit to the systems they have there - I tried to. But I can't. I suppose I can force myself to go to meetings.. which I did for a few months, but am unhappy about it. Now, I'm not going for meetings, but because I'm supposed to go, I condemn myself, and am still unhappy about it. 'nuff said. :(

"Raising leaders"

It's so different, the way believers and unbelievers do it.

I don't really have anyone that I respect and look up to and model over at work. And I find it very difficult to submit (as compared to church). And I know that this is not right. Submission, not only of actions, but of the heart. I guess a huge part is that at work, I feel that we don't speak the same lingo. We don't feel the same love and acceptance.

Some people may say, but come on! Be realistic, you're in the world what. You should not expect love and acceptance and all!

Yes, I agree. I don't expect it. I realise acceptance is very performance-based in the world. But how many people would perform better if they loved the job, loved the people and know they are loved in return, simply for who they are. I think respect and love as a motivation is awesome in a corporation. The challenge would be how to foster such a culture.

I'm blessed that the people in my company are very open, friendly and coorperative.

Perhaps I just wish for like-minded people to be around me. Or perhaps for understanding. For someone I respect enough to honour the advice given.

Perhaps it's time wishing for that sort of support from someone - that person to fan my dreams. Perhaps it's time to talk to my senior partner more, and let Him manage me to manage His business.

Let Him set eternity, place dreams in my heart regarding my work.

I don't know what's going to happen. But I'm looking to Him to give me the joy in this ministry.

It is all dead works and empty obedience Lord, without You. I want life more abundantly in this area. Teach me Lord. I must be real slow, 'cos I've asked this from You for months! Is there an area which I am disobedient in? Lord! Give me the desire - write Your laws on the tablet of my heart. That the work that I do would be like before, with Your joy, Your strength, Your favour - and most of all, let me enjoy, enjoy! Please! Amen.