A glimspe! Inner thoughts

My Dear!

I'm feeling quite literary tonight. Poetic, anticipating, awaiting to release a torrent of indulgent expressive words!

Indulgence! What is indulgence? This sense of feeling full of oneself - too satisfied, arrogant? - yet not pride but a certain, yes, self-satisfaction. All is good with the world and myself and I am contented.

Contentment - what mediocrity! Easily satsified with life?

But what's the alternative? Driven by fear? What a horrible way to live!

Driven by ambition? Isn't that too focused on self?

Or is this the fear of being focused on self that has made me shy away from ambition, deter me from yearning for perfection; persuaded me to be 'satisfied' with the status quo?

Lord, You know my temperament!

To keep Your lovely face
ever before my eyes
this is my prayer
make it my strong desire!

That in my secret heart
No other love competes
No rival throne survives
and I serve only You!

Change of subject.

I tell You a secret! I dislike someone!

Yes, I dislike her because she first disliked me! bah! Childish right?

I'm trying to not care about it - but it's kind of hard having to have Christian acceptance towards her; especially as I feel that she's pinpointing me! I'm pretending I don't know - of course I do! I just wish she was as diplomatic!

Ah well. No condemnation! I can't like everyone. And everyone can't like me! Their 'pah sar' Lord, same as before. I'm going to toss this irritant issue to You and not let it bother me. I know that in time, I will genuinely love her and I know it'll not be me, it'll be You. And it'll be wonderful!

Okay, back to the topic!

I just realised that yes, in every little thing, You show me how you shower Your blessings! And You've been telling me it's pittance to what You have in store for me. Why should I be satisfied with so little when You have died to give me ALL that You have and made me Your heir?

And I shouldn't be going round in circles. It's wonderful to have vision! And I believe You write Your laws in my heart - You have wonderful plans already laid out for me, wrapped up beautifully, awaiting patiently for my discovery and awe at how cool a Dad You are! Oh Abba! I know You are good, good, GOOD, GOOOOOODDDD!!! to me.

For me, I just feel You want to lead me one step at a time. To be faithful in one little step at a time. :) And yet, You've given me an imagination for more! Like drawing pictures within my spirit and soul - like You did! You had a dream! A dream for friends, a family, a bride! Eons and eons ago, You dared dream and paid the ultimate price!

Oh Abba! My Lord! My King! Give me the daring! The gumption! The hope! That God-fidence in You! To fulfil the potential in me! To REALISE all that You've already given! Not to shrink back at Your goodness but to run towards it and embrace it!

Working out my salvation with fear and trembling.

Wow, "fear and trembling" - are Your dreams for me really that glorious?! Is Your goodness ever comprehensible? Would I fall at Your feet and weep on that day when I truely realise how good You are to me?

Even now!

I'm just thinking Lord - that phrase keeps running through my mind! "To live is Christ! To die is gain!"

TO LIVE IS CHRIST.

What is life really?

What does it mean to live?

Would I really understand? To live is Christ.

That the purpose and meaning of life is Christ. And Christ alone!

Sometimes I wonder Lord, how I stumbled through life without You. And what You did on the cross to save me! And Lord, you know, I get angry for Your sake! I'm not as good and patient as You. I hate it when people scorn You. When they despised Your Word; when they snap and complain as You offer the gift of salvation to them.

Do they know that the gift is paid for with Your life? With Your blood? That You hung on that cross for 6 hours? That a Holy God who knew no sin carried the sins of the world?

Do they really know what sin is?

Do they know about my brothers and sisters who were thrown to the lions, persecuted, burnt at the stake, martyred, to bring the bible to them, the gospel to them?

Why do You keep offering Yourself to the world who has scorned You and slapped You away repeatedly?

Just like me.

The memory of how You never gave me up moves me Lord. And I know that it's pride that holds me back. My love for You Lord, is a selfish love. I hurt to see You scorned. You came to save them from death at such an awesome price - so that salvation can be a gift, freely offered.

Some part of me wishes to hold on to that grudge - how dare you spurn my Jesus! But even as I type this, it seems so petty and small to hold such a thought - even as I speak to You about it, my spirit cringes away from so small a mindset and expanding elsewhere into Your marvelous light!

Lord, I love it that You accept me the way I am! I don't know how You can remain so faithful and patient. I love You more and more as I realise how much You love me. And because I love You Lord, I shall love the non-believers as well. And I shall be patient with them; as You were with me. And I know that the ability to love, to accept, to be patient and to be gracious with them lies not at all in me. It is Your love for me - that embrace of love that empowers me. Oh Lord - yucks, enough of those warm fuzzy feelings I'm getting right now towards them already! I get the message already! You never fail to put a silly grin on my face!

My love, I love the way You tease (is that the right word?) me into seeing things Your way! Gosh, You love me into wholeness and humour again!

Is it any wonder Lord? I love You! Not as much as You love me... show me more of Yourself, Jesus! I want to be able to love You more! To know more of Your love for me! There's such security in that! :)