cough

*cough* *cough*

hiaz, I'm having a cough and I'm thoroughly fed up. Can't even complete a sentence without a cough. If I breathe too deeply, it triggers it. And sometimes it's so violent I'm simply exhausted by the end of it.

I wonder why I don't have any problems coughing when sleeping. My sleep is really sweet. It's when I'm awake and every few seconds, I have to cough. Can't stand it. Can't go to work. How do I speak to clients if I'm coughing after every few words?

And the temptation to feel sorry for myself is real strong. The 'poor me' syndrome which I sometimes am tempted to indulge in.

And no amount of 'trying' to focus on the Lord. Oh, I wish I could come to the place where I can really work by faith and not by sight. To be able to take holy communion without reminding myself that I'm not taking it to 'gain' healing.

Oh Lord, You have to be the one to pull me out of this rut. How can I exhibit joy, faith, peace, love when I am preoccupied with physical self? :( Abba, You handle it lah. I'm tired, fed-up with it. I can't even pray ernestly, sincerely whatever and almost resigned to let the stupid cough run it's course. But it's been almost two weeks! What da?!

Lord, You love me right? So it's up to You! I don't care. This is Your holy temple. You take care of it! If You don't, I can't. I don't care what about talking to my mountain myself. I tried that. But it is Your power Lord and Your resurrection life that You choose to fill in Your Word.

Ah.. when I don't know what to do, I shall just mutter in tongues, in spurts.. Lord, how can I endure, or pray for long when I feel so bleh. Do it in faith yah? Okay, I'll try...

Abba, I'm sorry for being irrelevant today. But I want You to know my frustration. I think I need to express my sulking to You :S Thanks for hearing anyway. Knowing You love me is a comfort. And though I don't feel anything right now, nor want to, yet I cherish the memories of those times when You held me close. And Lord, I know that You are the same, yesterday, today and forever.

Love You Lord. Love me too? :) Hugs and kisses... my Jesus.