Almost MJ

I'm been thinking why I like MJ's music videos. Why am I attracted to the music and dance although I'm adverse to the man now?

I think rawness is compelling isn't it? It's so there. It's well, so raw that there's no niceties about it. Almost daring one to accept it. Like some of L'arc-en-ciel's music. Passion, even in it's human form, taunts and is charismatic.

Well, here's a video se7en doing MJ.

Worship

Who is there like You Lord?

Worship...it's not just 'cos Jesus is Lord and He is mighty and good.

Worship is deeper than that. Worship is adoration.

Adoration so intense that we just fall before Him.

A love so compelling that we cannot help but desire Him.

Desire.

Desiring the Lord with every fibre of one's being?

At times, it resonates deeply within, especially in times of worship. And the intensity is like diving deep.

And I just know how good He is to me, how much He desires me and loves me.

We can't help ourselves but adore Him! Like falling in love. How can one control love?

My Lord and Saviour, my God and King.

Worship so intense that it's exhausting and yet so satisfying. There is something so intimate when God touches my heart. Sometimes, I feel His delight when I tell Him, "I love You."

Like how a Lover would delight to have His love reciprocrated.

Worship. It's beyond understanding. It's being filled to the brim, to overflowing, receiving in the Spirit something - His love and more! O, I don't know how to express it!

I'm just so thankful that the Lord wanted me. Went out to look for me. Without Him, I can't imagine how life would be. Without Him, I would have been without hope, living life, deluding myself with material goods, intellectual pursuits, an independent lifestyle - yet in all these, at the end of the day, is only emptiness and ashes.

One can delude oneself. But the night forces one to face stark reality, if one chooses to be really honest.

'Cos I've lived that life and it's so futile.

To live is Christ.

What is life otherwise?

The heart of it, the intoxication of life, the pleasures and true satisfaction is found in Christ alone. Nothing else matters. Nothing else but Jesus. Without God, I am lost, blinded, meandering about life with a passive sense of hopelessness and inevitability.

Having tasted His love, seen His passion, O Lord, I just want to go so much deeper into You!

Purity

Truth is so pure, it cuts straight through.

It cannot be denied - in fact, it takes effort to be denied.

Truth is so pure, it speaks straight to the heart. It is light itself. It is life!

It is spiritual. And the more 'spiritual' or rather, the more we come into a revelation of the purity of the truth, it is so practical.

Holiness is not airy fairy. It is real, it is weighty. It is glorious.

Truth is in Christ Jesus alone!

Far above, far above.

Standards so high that it is only by blood that we are able to come before God.

Washed as white as snow - purity.

Lord, it's only by Your grace
that I can worship in this place
O what a great privilege
to know You face to face

There is no one else like You
No one else as beautiful as You
No one else can compare to You
All I want is to worship You!

(by Joshua Lee, NCC)

it's only by Your grace...
worship..
great privilege..
to know (intimacy).. face to face...

no one like You...as beautiful.. can be compared..

I wonder if I'm able to appreciate the majesty, beauty, loveliness, purity, awesomeness of His grace, His magnificence, His loving kindness and mercy towards me.

How am I able to stand before His throne?

But to see Him is to love Him.

To fall before Him in worship and adoration!

Sacrifice

Lord I thank you for Your sacrifice
Yes Lord I thank you
You're the giver of my life and
Lord I praise You
I honour You

Lord I love You
You're my exceeding great reward
Lord I exalt You
I honour You


Worship is so awesome. And it always moves me when I think of Jesus who offered Himself as my sacrifice.

He became a sacrifice that I may have life! He is the GIVER of my life!

When we were singing this song today, I had a flashback of myself at home, lazing about, being bored with life, wonder wandering.. and I'm reminded, hey, I have a life to live! And this life was by His sacrifice!

There's something about meditating on Jesus being the sacrificial lamb 'cos when I look at Him on the cross, I see His love for me unto death. And His love always gives me the strength to do, to live FOR Him.

Otherwise, there's no meaning to life.

But with Him, is fullness of life!

Lord I praise You
You're the giver of my life
Yes Lord I praise You
You're the lover of my soul
Lord I praise You
I honour You

Lover of my soul.

It's not a touchy feely feeling. It goes deep, like laser into one's heart. Sometimes, I don't know why I cry. It's more than being moved. I guess it's like a hug. Not a physical hug. No, it's more than like a hug. It's like one's soul and spirit is enveloped in His being.

Sacrifice. How can I look on His bleeding body and His scourging and not remember that His heart's desire is for me. Truely, it is The Passion. This is what passion is.

Beauty of submission

Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror. 1 Peter 3:3-6

Abba is not asking us to keep quiet, 'woman should be seen and not heard' silly practice. :)

But look what it says, "a gentle and quiet spirit" I believe, this is referring to the state of the heart rather than an outward behaviour. The Word talks about it as being "the hidden person of the heart" For that is where one's true self lies.

Oftimes, people who are angry are people who are hurt. But instead of saying or admitting they are hurt, they become angry. It is not that they choose to be angry but their expression is anger, whereas it's true root is hurt.

There was once when I was angry and had to force myself to take a step back, step out mentally from the situation to detach my emotions and analyse them. And knowing it's root allows me to defuse my own anger rather quickly.

Complaining is also another symptom. I've realised it's saying, "I deserve better. You should... You ought to.. should have known. How could I? I'm already... I've did my part..." Basically, it's finger-pointing and it stems out of a very Me spirit.

The Word calls us to be longsuffering - which really, is impossible by human standards.

But to be able to see objectively (I think it's somewhat a gift from God - I think!) I'm appalled at my own behaviour when I move to observe as a third person.

Conversely, there is a beauty in submission. Because submission is not about being below/beneath someone, it is about choice.

The issue really is about giving honour.

And it's up to you, yet it's really not, to choose to give honour to your parents, your boss, your ministry leaders, your elder siblings, your clients, etc.. At times submission is not because of who the person is (i.e. respect) but his/her position. 'Cos if I only submit to a person I respect in the natural, then it's not submission is it? But I find that when I submit to the position, I find a 'supernatural' respect for that person in my heart that I would ordinarily find it hard to have if I go by the natural and judge by one's words and actions.

What do I mean?

For months last year, I struggled with this issue of submission to my boss at work and my parents at home. And I told the Lord that it's hypocritical if it's only outward and Lord, you change my heart! You write upon it! And for months there was no answer.

I tell you when the breakthrough came.. and you shall see the importance of words.

Remember The quarrel with my dad in my previous post "Humility"? I can tell you the exact moment (the trigger) when the floodgates threatened to burst. He was referring to a trekking trip that I did about 5-6 years back. It was when my dad said, "You were so treasured by us yet you insisted to go on that trekking trip. We thought, why should we care when you don't care about yourself? You were my lover's precious daughter and you decided to go even when we kept saying no."

I'm paraphrasing above, and it's a little toned-down. But what really moved me were the words in italics.

I guess I always saw my dad and mum as The Parents. I never heard him use such words before - especially you know, in a traditional chinese family. But the words that he used were passionate - with, love and hurt. And I do believe that somehow, the Lord allowed him to articulate the true feelings he had inside 'cos my dad never says such things. :)

You know the Proverbs 31 woman? She's like that because her husband praises her and that really helps in submission.

Giving honour to one's parents and one's boss at work is really a beautiful and joyful practise to me (and I'm still learning!) Because I knew from whence I came. I'm stubborn and hard-headed, rational and logical, educated and independent. And I liked the way I was. And I thought others should be taught to see the way I see - that there's a better way in doing things...

So to turn 180 degrees, that can only come from the Lord. And I am touched when I submit and give honour because I know this heart of mine, is not by my own doing or choice - yet it is my choice that I can willingly do so. It evolves more and more, from a conscious choice to a lifestyle and a flow. I am touched and moved because it's a reminder that the Lord is working in me, diligently and faithfully, transforming me through the power of His Word and His love.

Really, it's to sit at His feet and just receive and receive even though there may not be any results yet. I've been talking to Abba on this issue of submission for close to a year. And I've realised, only when I have received, will I be able to give to others.

It is not only to people who are in positions that 'require' submission. Submission is also to one another. To one's peers. Only then can we truely bear in love.

There's a beauty in submission which is both strong and wise, gracious and compassionate. It is like still waters that run deep, like a glorious sunrise of greater things to come.

Unlike the world which has 7 steps for better habits, 3 steps to lose weight etc... Enjoy Daddy's love and give honour to the people who matter.

As for the rest (of good success), I'm waiting with anticipation to see.

Humility

It's strange what humility means. What the Lord showed me...

Hmm.. okay, I'll relate a rather personal incident 'cos I think it may help.

About a week ago, I quarrelled with my dad. I seldom quarrel, preferring to sulk in silence or cry to Abba. But that time, I was just angry and I just wanted to get it out with him.

Anyway, there was a point in the quarrel where I felt I was going to cry. And I quickly prayed, "O Lord, let me not cry! Not now!" 'cos I didn't want to be seen as weak. And at that moment, there was a flashback of a memory of me as a child. I remembered my dad telling me (what most parents still tell their kids sometimes), "If you cry some more, I'll beat you."

Now, I've got to say that my dad loves me very much. More than I feel I deserve to be loved actually 'cos I realised now that I've hurt them a lot. And I know my parents are human and not perfect. Probably at that time when he said that, he was just trying to stop me from crying/ throwing a tantrum.

But those words really sank into me. I didn't realise how much. I didn't like to be seen as vulnerable. I kept my feelings (not the happy ones, but personal hurts) close to my heart. I refused to show weakness and submission before my parents in disagreements, preferring to retreat into stony silences and later on, indifference.

I've heard someone say before that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. And before this long-bottled outburst, we've just been burying our past hurts by silence and communicate through cutting words or facial expressions. It really hurt me but I wanted to remain strong and my defence was indifference.

So there I was, to my horror, on the verge of tears. Quick prayer to the Lord and I felt Abba reassure me, "Don't hold it in. Why are you afraid to be vulnerable?" And then I crumbled and cried in front of my dad.

One moment we were shouting at each other and the next moment I was sobbing. 'Cos on one hand I felt so hurt and sad and on the other hand, I realised that I've hurt my dad deeply too and I didn't even know. We had a most honest and open conversation we ever had in years.

And I felt that God, at that moment, in that quarrel (which was a bad thing in the natural) - the Lord reached out and into me and broke something within me. Something I didn't even know that I held on to and shaped my character. He broke my pride.

When the Lord does it, oh, I don't know how to say it. It like something hard like glass that I had unknowingly nurtured in my heart, shattered. And Jesus came and swept away all the little bits. It's been a week, and suddenly, it became so natural to talk to my parents without the 'usual' impatience. It became a joy to consciously call them many times a day, "Papa" and "Mummy" (even though I'm 27 years young! LOL). I even wanted to cultivate the habit of calling them on their handphone, when in the past I tried to avoid communication unless necessary. It's 'suddenly' lovely to try to look out for things that I could do for them - even the little things which I used to purposely overlook. Like giving up the living room TV so they can watch football instead of saying, "you can also watch it upstairs"; answering their questions in detail and sharing my life with them instead of answering, "I'm going out with friends" (period)

I think humility is when the Lord makes one's heart soft. Soft to give generously love and compassion, to lend a listening ear, to give a cheerful smile; soft to be willing to overlook slights and ability to truely empathize. Soft to people who matter. Soft in the sense of being willing to be open and vulnerable. Soft so that one's heart is fertile to plant those seeds of love. Open enough to cry without shame, to love without fear, to hurt and still love willingly, joyfully.

There's so much I have to learn. So much time that I have to make up for - for my callous actions to my parents in the past. I'm so grateful that it is the Lord who teaches me, lovingly. So wonderful that just one touch from God, things just change.

Both my parents and myself are learning. I can see God moving in my family life. It is not so much that my parents have to change then I'll change. Love - a revelation of that love of God shed abroad in my heart really changes perspective. Love loves regardless and unconditionally. Do I still get affected? Of course I do sometimes. But it's wonderful how He writes on my heart. Where once I used to get irritated and short with them, now I just smile and 'sigh' in my heart, look up to heaven (within me of course and not with my physical eyes) and mutter, "Lord, patience!" And He gives! And it becomes easy to bear in love. It even becomes cheerful - like rejoicing in 'tribulation'.

Doesn't make sense does it? Only with the Lord! Only by His grace! Only when He is the one writing on this heart of flesh!

PK 2 Camp!

God is AWESOME!

What can I say? I so enjoyed myself - the kids, the worship (especially!) and the message!

There was one time during worship and Abba's love was just pouring down and behind me was a boy who had low IQ singing loudly and passionately, and in a world that could so easily rejected one such as he, at that moment, hearing his voice just worshipping God, just opened a floodgate within me. I felt the Lord loving him so so much and delighted in his off-key singing because the boy is His boy.

How wonderful is the Lord who is able to love the unlovables, see beyond the physical and embrace the beauty and purity within! What a privilege to be shown by the Lord - to be able to see the way that He sees! Unblemished, beautiful and a delight to His soul!

The children! What energy! I've learnt from the kids that leadership is not just being the loudest. It is about being steadfast and dependable. I've learnt to let go and not tell the kids what to do all the time - that they have to experience it for themselves to learn. Yet I make sure I am always around to ensure their safety - making sure they cross the road properly, that they don't get lost, trying to include everyone in the activities; yet loving enough to stand aside and allow them to make their own decisions, allowing them to make small mistakes; praying that I'll be wise enough to minister to them His shalom and love.

It's so enjoyable! I felt like a kid again!

And to be placed in a position where Abba speaks to me personally, "See how much I love them? They're gems to me," and then to be a conduit of that love. If only we knew how much we are loved!

I wanna go next year!

Softly now

Listening to some worship songs on my way home.

Was in a Christian bookstore today, and they had a small section for merchandise. And the name Jesus in nice calligraphic writing.

So beautiful to look upon His name, that I couldn't help tracing His name with my finger.

Recalling that snippet of a memory while listening to the lines "Jesus, You alone are holy; You alone are worthy, Jesus, the name above all names.."

Then I started singing, Jesus.

Saying His name, Jesus.

Softly now, repeatedly, savouring the sound, the way my lips pronounce His name. Slowly whispering to myself.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

Yeshua, Yeshua, Yeshua.

My Lord and King.

What a lovely, beautiful name...

How it calms me.

Your name is on my lips
Your love I can't resist
got to be with You wherever You are
I want You memorised
so when I close my eyes
All I've got to do
is keep loving You
by heart

I want to keep on loving You Lord. Keep on being madly, passionately, contentedly, overwhelmingly in love with You. Romance me, pursue me, help me, save me, assure me, affirm me, comfort me, teach me, lead me, be my Saviour, my God, my King, my friend, my Lord!

So loved! I can't contain it!
So much I've got to give it away!
Your love has taught me to live now
You are more than enough for me! (lyrics deliberately changed :))

Jesus! You are my destiny!

I wanted to start this blog post softly in worship but it ended up in praise! LOL

To keep Your lovely face
Ever before my eyes
This is my prayer
Make it my one desire!

That in my secret heart
No other love competes
No rival throne survives
and I serve only You.

Fake it till you make it

I realised for the past few months, I having being 'faking' it enough. I know lots of stuff in my head, feel it even in my heart but haven't been "working out my salvation". Yup, not imitating enough, not 'faking' it enough but being self-conscious.

Browsing old stuff in my computer and came across this article. It's not written by me but this guy called Pete. Reading through, it was a timely reminder! Enjoy!

So here is my solution: I will fake it, till I make it. I will pretend to be what I ought it be. I'll use my child-like faith, and imagine myself to be as my example Jesus. I'll play that I'm as He is. Devoted to the Father. Full of the Spirit. Full of compassion and love. Bold in asking. Expectant in receiving. Joyfull in life, and live with great confidence. Master of all situations, overcoming all obstacles. Able for any task, and power for helping all who come to me. Some one has said; "if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull". So this is my stand. And you know what? In this I'm closer to the truth of the freedom of the gospel of God. As Paul said; "be imitators of me, as I imitate Christ."

Is this folly? No, by faith. Calling forth those things which do not appear, as though they do. God is pleased. And Jesus is exalted. And the work that my Father has for me will be done. You see; "it's Christ in you, the hope of glory". And as I walkthe Holy Spirit will teach me and instruct me in the things I need to hear. And show me things I need to see. And give me wisdom and understanding of those things I need to know

My purpose in life

I was made to praise You
I was made to glorify Your name
In every circumstance
To find a chance to thank You
I was made to love You
I was made to worship at Your feet
And to obey You, Lord
I was made for You

I was made to praise You
I was made to glorify Your name
In every circumstance
I'll find a chance to thank You
I will always love You
I will always worship at Your feet
And I'll obey You, Lord
I was made for You

Song by Chris Christensen.


Some people think that God is a hot shot who wants all the glory for Himself. When I was a non-believer I used to think, "Wah, Jesus so great meh? Don't believe go to hell? Threaten me huh?" LOL

Nothing can be further from the truth.

Why do we worship and give glory to Him? Because we are so 'touched' that He sent His son to die for us? Believe me, the intellectual that I was thought that that made excellent religious propoganda.

But it goes beyond touchy feely feelings. There is nothing like worship. Nothing like getting a touch from God. Yes, the cross is a demonstration of God's love, unto death - but there's something about pure truth that cuts beyond the knowing of a 'fact' within the mind but instead is capable of a silent explosion - a revelation within the heart.

There is no way one can mentally figure that out. Believe me, I tried. Unless one asks the Lord of course :)

But really, worshipping Him centers me. Something about coming before His presence, washes me and refreshes me. That vacuum inside is filled. If God is not real, no amount of religious propoganda is able to deceive the cynical human spirit for long.

Even the glory that we are 'able' to give is a reflected glory of His goodness and faithfulness in our lives. What honour for us, what grace He has crowned us with!

Nothing, nothing matters but Christ alone!

I'm not going

I'm not going to let him go,
darling wait and see
but from now until then,
till I'll see you again,
I'll be loving you
Love Me

Abba, my eyes on you. I'll rest in You. I commit it to You. You are my God. You are for me. You have wiped them all away. I lie in Your embrace and reassurance. You love me.