Humility

It's strange what humility means. What the Lord showed me...

Hmm.. okay, I'll relate a rather personal incident 'cos I think it may help.

About a week ago, I quarrelled with my dad. I seldom quarrel, preferring to sulk in silence or cry to Abba. But that time, I was just angry and I just wanted to get it out with him.

Anyway, there was a point in the quarrel where I felt I was going to cry. And I quickly prayed, "O Lord, let me not cry! Not now!" 'cos I didn't want to be seen as weak. And at that moment, there was a flashback of a memory of me as a child. I remembered my dad telling me (what most parents still tell their kids sometimes), "If you cry some more, I'll beat you."

Now, I've got to say that my dad loves me very much. More than I feel I deserve to be loved actually 'cos I realised now that I've hurt them a lot. And I know my parents are human and not perfect. Probably at that time when he said that, he was just trying to stop me from crying/ throwing a tantrum.

But those words really sank into me. I didn't realise how much. I didn't like to be seen as vulnerable. I kept my feelings (not the happy ones, but personal hurts) close to my heart. I refused to show weakness and submission before my parents in disagreements, preferring to retreat into stony silences and later on, indifference.

I've heard someone say before that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. And before this long-bottled outburst, we've just been burying our past hurts by silence and communicate through cutting words or facial expressions. It really hurt me but I wanted to remain strong and my defence was indifference.

So there I was, to my horror, on the verge of tears. Quick prayer to the Lord and I felt Abba reassure me, "Don't hold it in. Why are you afraid to be vulnerable?" And then I crumbled and cried in front of my dad.

One moment we were shouting at each other and the next moment I was sobbing. 'Cos on one hand I felt so hurt and sad and on the other hand, I realised that I've hurt my dad deeply too and I didn't even know. We had a most honest and open conversation we ever had in years.

And I felt that God, at that moment, in that quarrel (which was a bad thing in the natural) - the Lord reached out and into me and broke something within me. Something I didn't even know that I held on to and shaped my character. He broke my pride.

When the Lord does it, oh, I don't know how to say it. It like something hard like glass that I had unknowingly nurtured in my heart, shattered. And Jesus came and swept away all the little bits. It's been a week, and suddenly, it became so natural to talk to my parents without the 'usual' impatience. It became a joy to consciously call them many times a day, "Papa" and "Mummy" (even though I'm 27 years young! LOL). I even wanted to cultivate the habit of calling them on their handphone, when in the past I tried to avoid communication unless necessary. It's 'suddenly' lovely to try to look out for things that I could do for them - even the little things which I used to purposely overlook. Like giving up the living room TV so they can watch football instead of saying, "you can also watch it upstairs"; answering their questions in detail and sharing my life with them instead of answering, "I'm going out with friends" (period)

I think humility is when the Lord makes one's heart soft. Soft to give generously love and compassion, to lend a listening ear, to give a cheerful smile; soft to be willing to overlook slights and ability to truely empathize. Soft to people who matter. Soft in the sense of being willing to be open and vulnerable. Soft so that one's heart is fertile to plant those seeds of love. Open enough to cry without shame, to love without fear, to hurt and still love willingly, joyfully.

There's so much I have to learn. So much time that I have to make up for - for my callous actions to my parents in the past. I'm so grateful that it is the Lord who teaches me, lovingly. So wonderful that just one touch from God, things just change.

Both my parents and myself are learning. I can see God moving in my family life. It is not so much that my parents have to change then I'll change. Love - a revelation of that love of God shed abroad in my heart really changes perspective. Love loves regardless and unconditionally. Do I still get affected? Of course I do sometimes. But it's wonderful how He writes on my heart. Where once I used to get irritated and short with them, now I just smile and 'sigh' in my heart, look up to heaven (within me of course and not with my physical eyes) and mutter, "Lord, patience!" And He gives! And it becomes easy to bear in love. It even becomes cheerful - like rejoicing in 'tribulation'.

Doesn't make sense does it? Only with the Lord! Only by His grace! Only when He is the one writing on this heart of flesh!