Comfort

Lord, at times I don't feel like talking to You because I feel that I'm not worthy enough. And it seems to get harder the longer I'm a Christian.

I know all about righteousness-consciousness etc.. And I would think that being so well taught, I would know better. But I can't help the way I feel, I can't seem to control my actions.

Then I would feel that I'm just wasting Your sacrifice, Lord. Just throwing Your blessings away. And well, when the things I expect don't happen, I tell myself I deserved it because I can't even be faithful with a little.

And although I know that You love me regardless and I'm so glad about that, it doesn't help me in the here and now Abba. But it's because You love me regardless that I am here before You.

How many times have I come before You Lord? With the same old problem. Like someone said, 'You not paiseh, I also paiseh.' Abba, it's so frustrating. The way that I am now, I feel like I should give up like Moses and wander about in the desert. But that's not what You want right? That's not what I want either! The times are getting shorter.

So how? How?

You said that man do not live by bread alone but by Your every Word. Now, I feel like I'm using scripture to justify myself. Abba! Time is rushing by and although I'm physically still, my mind is mental!

Abba, I feel like I want to break out in outright rebellion! I want to scream, shout, yell! But it's too tiring. Perhaps it's what's happening inside me. Then I want to curl into You Lord and find my rest. Find the rest that You can give me from myself. To run away from myself and elope with You.

Yet day by day, I find it elusive; lacking the courage to step out! Launch into the deep! I find myself cringing, turning away, cowardly, delusional - and I hate those thoughts. They seep into my mind when I'm least aware. They come when I turn from Your light.

Pleasures forevermore. O, to be able to keep Your lovely face, forever, before my eyes. I love those times when no one else matters. I love those times when I can just come into Your presence. Why am I always not as conscious as those times Lord?

Lord, where is my wisdom? What is Your wisdom Lord? Shall I find intellectual pleasures in Your Word only? That tickles the mind but starves the spirit? Abba, I miss the food; I miss the feeding - it sometimes seem I can't get close enough and I'm angry with myself for not being satisfied. Frustrated in not doing enough and giving up; disappointed with the fear that stops me from even trying.

Lord, why do You bother to be faithful to me? To stay beside me and be my strength? Aren't you tired of always helping me up when I fall? Furthermore, the same mistake. Why do You not leave? Why do You stay instead and suffer my whinings, my weakness, my failures? Why do You always make me cry in gratitude?

Father, what shall I say? Where do I turn to? Not to the scriptures, not to people, only to You Lord. In You I find my rest; in You I find my strength; in You I find approval and acceptance. Abba, keep my eyes on You. Into Your hands, I commit my spirit, all that I am to You. You love me more than I love myself, more than anyone can or is able to love me. Keep me Lord, from myself. Live in me Lord Jesus. Come!

Lord, no one can take the cross from my heart 'cos You are the One who placed it there. You are the One who holds me close. You are the One who holds me, period. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. Your rod and staff, they comfort me.