The need to feel beautiful

Ah.. today I went to the well and it was REFRESHING!

I haven't been in church for one and a half weeks and it was not a happy time. In the sense that I was not satisfied in my soul. Truely, the washing of the Word, the hearing of faith - so important!

I've forgotten how it's like to feel beautiful 'cos I was so bogged down by my actions. I kept evaluating myself by my achievements and not focusing on my acceptance before the Lord.

And knowing that, I even became more 'concerned'. What a negative cycle!

Call it vanity. Basically, I didn't feel pretty. Well, it's more than just the physical you see. I needed to feel BEAUTIFUL. I kept wondering in my head whether I've lost that 'glow'.

Today, was like a washing of my soul. It wasn't earth-shaking emotional or anything like that. It was like, *sigh* so wonderful to be home Lord. Just forgetting everything else to enjoy You.

Recently, I've been diving into the Old Testament because I was in discussion with a brother. But I realised that I've been drawing and studying the Word to share with someone. But I have yet to feed myself! No, no, no... I must be satisfied first. I must be edified first. It's not about just sharing the Word. It's not my job to satisfy my intellect nor am I to indulge it.

But what is the Word? The Word is life! I am to EAT EAT EAT as in Makan it! To savour it! To inhale the aroma of Christ! To look upon His loveliness for myself! To admire the perfection of His work for myself! To spend time in the Word, not for discussion's sake, but to simply ENJOY my Yeshua!

Ahhh.. how I miss that!

Like a little child, Pastor reminded us tonight.

I remembered how eager I was, how delightful I am in His sight, how much He adored me, how beautiful and lovely I am to Him - like a little child coming to Daddy. Full trust, full assurance - KNOWING who He is! How quick I was to forget!

How He embraces me! Waits for me patiently! How much He has prepared for me to grow into Him. Laid out His spirit of wisdom within me - like a latent dynamo! What a mystery! Christ in me, the hope of glory!

I guess every question a little girl would ask; a lady would secretly wonder - am I beautiful enough? Is it enough?

Well, I just recall Lord. Looking at You, enjoying You, I am transformed. Not even by my determination to sit at Your feet Lord; but simply to be silent and see the cross. To talk to You as I would my best friend.

Have I neglected You lately Lord? Wasn't it a little rude of me? But You do know I have You in the back of my mind? You're just so THERE for me. I love You.... seemed like a long time since I said that. Shall I whisper it again? Does it warm Your heart? It sure does mine when You say it. :) So I'll say it again and again..

Ah.. Jesus.. Jesus.. the sweetest name of all!



Who is like a wise man?And who knows the interpretation of a thing? A man’s wisdom makes his face shine, And the sternness of his face is changed. (Ecclesiastes 8:1)