Settling (BGR issue)

This issue of settling was raised in a question of BGR and finding a 'nice person and then falling in love later and not waiting and waiting for the 'perfect' one.

Since 'tis my blog, I'm free to be frank here, thank God! I can't express myself tactfully and as honestly as possible in the other venue.

But by heaven, that's a cop-out!

Yup, it seems to suggest "since I have not seen it, I probably am not meant to have it so it does not exist. So I'll make do with what I get and hope for the best."

No, no, no. It is not waiting for the *perfect* man who is tall, dark and handsome, wealthy, ambitious, can sing, can dance, can cook and wait, can do hand-stands too! Nope. It is living with reality with biblical hope. Perfection is loving an imperfect someone passionately by the grace of God. It is possible only through Christ. That is the "perfect" man for me.

Perfection is when God and I agree - this is the one - despite the fact that he may pick his nose or fart. It is not romance for romance's sake. It is knowing and continuously discovering this wonderful creation, this born-again glorious spirit that my Father who loves me so much has given me for a life partner.

A "perfect" man is so not a knight on a white horse.

But yes, it's about waiting, not hunting.

It is about enjoying the Lord, enjoying the process till the fulfilment of His promise for me. And His faithfulness is NOT measured by the biological years I live out here on this earth.

It's NOT about getting a nice person and hoping to 'fall in love' later. (although that's possible by His grace. But not wise.)

It does mean to OPEN one's eyes wide whilst choosing. It's wisdom + chemistry.

But once I'm married, well, there's no second thoughts about whether he is really the one meant for me or is there a better one 'out there'. After marriage, the focus is not in changing the man or whatever. The focus is on me being the One for him.

Love is loving the person as he already is and not changing him. No one can ever change another. True transformation comes only through Christ. If God can't touch/change him, do you think I can? Of course not! It's deadly to marry a person hoping he can change.

But after marriage, it's different. It's does not mean that one should put up with an abusive husband - it's not about that. But marriage - well, marriage is awesome NOT because it's about being with someone and having companionship and love although that's great of course - marriage, ah.. how do I say this?

Marriage is the opportunity to understand how much we are loved by Jesus. Husbands are given the unique position to stand in Christ's shoes and understand how much He loves His bride.

Serving in the nursery, He has ministered to me a fresh understanding of the Father's love because I was placed in a position to mother the toddlers.

Relationships - be it inter-personal, government, work - are all earthly analogies that God has given to us. And our Father is so practical. It's not just reading the text alone but through our the daily routine walk of life, He ministers to us, teaching us, feeding us in the spirit.

(an aside: after I became a Christian, my heart became so soft and pliable. Like I would tear up at the smallest thing. Yet at the same time, I realised that I am not compassionate for compassion sake. In other words, I am not a 'nice' person. I am quite firm actually.)

Don't misunderstand me, I don't want to take marriage as a bible lesson! Far be it! But knowing what marriage means, I don't want to settle. Marry for the sake of marrying. Marry to fulfil needs that only Christ can fulfil.

There're many reasons that people date. They want companionship, they want sex (or what they think sex can bring them), they are lonely, they think they are getting old, people expect them to. You see, it's a "me, me, me" attitude.

Now love is giving isn't it?

Love is always about the other person.

I shared this in another post .here months back but I'll summarise.

There was one time I had a crush (it's over now). And I was 'agonising' over it and speaking to Daddy about it. What to do? Why do I feel this way? What does he feel? Is he seeing someone? Is he attracted to someone else? Then, what do I do?

And anyways, it was a wonderful period in which Abba taught me what love is.

"I think I love the person? Do I? Do I not? Is what I'm feeling real?"

Am I in love with love? 'Cos if I really loved the person, then all those questions didn't matter. Because at the end of the day, if I really loved the person then I'll be happy if he's happy. That's the only criteria. And if he really fell in love with someone else, well, I'll be happy for him. If not, then it tells me that I love my feelings more than I do him.

So, did I love my 'crushee'?

I can honestly say I did. But the love has since become a brotherly love. But surely it was the Lord that sanctified my feelings for him. God is love. All love (in it's different forms) is shed abroad in my heart by the Holy Spirit