Enjoying Yeshua

A few thoughts have been going through my mind this week. It's all because I think too much.

Prior to this post, I wanted to post another called "Ruthless" but it didn't sit well with me.

Why 'ruthless'?

Just a few days ago, I determined in myself - my self thoughts went like this:- Does not the Word says gird your mind? Meditate on the word day and night, keep them in the midst of your heart for they are health and life! To be in the world but not of the world and hence to bring every thought captive to the word of Christ. My heart shall belong to Jesus and Jesus alone! To keep myself for my Beloved; to live only for Him. To cherish the Word and my inheritance for it came at a great price.

But even as I was thinking on this, it didn't feel quite right.

Where is love and compassion? But we don't walk by feelings right?

Then again, would not being 'ruthless' be like the pharisees? Saul was a pharisee of pharisees - though his heart was for God. Well, I want my heart to be for the Lord but I sure as heaven don't want to be a pharisee. Jesus reserved the harshest words for pharisees. He called them "a brood of vipers"

But I'm not talking about being 'ruthless' to others but to self. Cruxifying the flesh so to speak. And I'm reminded, that it is NOT me who does the cruxifying; that I am cruxified (past tense) with Christ, therefore I no longer live, Jesus Christ now lives in me. And the life that I live, I live to the son of God.

Perhaps because my motivation, this 'ruthlessness', stems from fear. That of anyone taking the place of Jesus in my heart. I have lived life without Christ and am living life with Him. And I can't fathom, how I will be able, having once tasted the sweetness to turn away from such majesty and love. I wouldn't be able to bear it. And hence, I subconsciously told myself that nobody can touch my heart. And of course, in some ways, I was putting myself under law for the more I thought about it, the more afraid I was that I would one day fall to temptation.

It's like commanding someone not to think of a pink elephant and saying it in his face repeatedly. Of course, in that someone's mind would be a pink elephant.

Then a few days ago, I was listening to Pastor Lawrence's message. And it really resonated with me and brought me back to 'basics'. Ahh... 'basics', what an oxymoron of a word. 'Basics' can be so profound.

Pastor Lawrence was sharing that he can be doing the 'christian' things.. still being in the Word, reading the bible, praying, attending for service. I know that, I do that; because I WANT to. I want to know more and more about Jesus Christ. About Him. And I ask Abba for the hunger as well. But it didn't satisfy me enough.

And through Pastor's sharing, I realised why.

I'm reading the Word, praying, attending service for knowledge. But I've forgotten the main reason that I do all these things is to ENJOY Yeshua. To breath in His fragrance and savour Him; to admire the perfection of His work and His majestic beauty. To be refreshed and reminded of His love. To go, not to a book, but to Him alone and drink of His living waters. That I may not thirst.

All these things that we do culminate to only one purpose. Enjoying Jesus. Enjoying Yeshua. Just that one thing. To sit at His feet and listen and rest and draw from His fullness.

Not to focus on myself. Not to depend on myself to keep myself for Christ. For surely, it is Jesus who holds me, not I Him. It is God who has put me in Christ, not me. It is the finished work that guarantees eternal reconciliation with Him, not me. It is His love that sustains me, not my love for Him.

Back to basics. Back to enjoying Jesus. His love keeps my heart for Him alone.


Psalm 27:1, 4-6

The LORD is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid?...

One thing I have desired of the LORD,
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the LORD
All the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the LORD,
And to inquire in His temple.

For in the time of trouble
He shall hide me in His pavilion;
In the secret place of His tabernacle
He shall hide me;
He shall set me high upon a rock.

And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me;
Therefore I will offer sacrifices of joy in His tabernacle;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the LORD.

Sex

I knew that every relationship has a spiritual parallel. Haven't thought too deeply into sex but had an inkling what the spiritual truth of it was. Had it confirmed today. You may find it interesting.. :)


From a book by Michelle Mckinney Hammond

I find most women do not stand on principle when it comes to sex because they do not understand the depths of what sex is really all about. For everything in the spiritual realm, there is a natural parallel. Sex could be considered a natural parallel to the spiritual act of worship. What is sex? What is worship? It is giving all you have and all you are to the one you love. It is completely yielding yourself to your lover, submitting to him, praising him. Deep, isn't it? Small wonder those people who worshiped idols always included sexual orgies as part of their rituals. Even the heathen understood the spiritual implications of sex.

Blue skies and kisses

Listening to sermon yesterday on my CD player. Pastor was saying that blue is the colour of grace in relation to the colour of the High Priest's robe.

Like the blue in the sky.

God has painted the sky blue to remind us of His grace.

So, there I was sitting in the bus, listening to the sermon, looking up at the vast blue sky. That's God's grace. That's the extent of His grace. Undeserved, unearned mercy.

God puts His fingerprints on our lives. His presence is everywhere about us if we had but eyes to see.

Then today, as I stepped out of the house, there was a light shower.

At first I felt irritated, 'cos I did not have an umbrella.

Tried to look on the bright side. Showers of blessings right? Yeah right.. who am I kidding? Then I realised, it REALLY was a light shower. The droplets were feather-light. The same feeling one has when one sprays perfume.

I don't remember feeling such light droplets before.

Out of the blue, it reminded me of kisses. Light kisses from heaven, descending like a midst about me. And two lines of a song rose within me and I started humming, "kisses for me, save all your kisses for me.. bye bye baby bye bye!" :D

Felt lightly embraced as I walked to the bus-stop. A smile and a ditty on my lips. :)

Glory (Exodus 33)

What is God's glory?

(In brackets, my comments)

Exodus 33:16-23

For how then will it be known that Your people and I have found grace in Your sight, except You go with us? So we shall be separate, Your people and I, from all the people who are upon the face of the earth.”

(separate = sanctified. The church is known as 'the called-out' ones; in the world, but not of the world. Why? He goes with us. We are different from non-believers; there is a reservoir of strength and joy within us they know not of.)

So the LORD said to Moses, “I will also do this thing that you have spoken; for you have found grace in My sight, and I know you by name.”

('found grace' - how awesome it is when Almighty God is gracious to us. But does He know us by name? Yes, yes and yes! We are inscribed on the palm of his hands)

And he said, “Please, show me Your glory.”

(THE question. What is God's glory?)

Then He said, “I will make all My goodness pass before you, and I will proclaim the name of the LORD before you. I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.”

(God's glory is His goodness. To what extent? To me, when we sing of God's glory, I'm reminded of the hymn below.)

But He said, “You cannot see My face; for no man shall see Me, and live.”

And the LORD said, “Here is a place by Me, and you shall stand on the rock. So it shall be, while My glory passes by, that I will put you in the cleft of the rock, and will cover you with My hand while I pass by. Then I will take away My hand, and you shall see My back; but My face shall not be seen.”

(Jesus is The Rock. It is God who puts us in Christ. Go to biblegateway, do a phrase search of "in Christ" and "in whom" in the New Testament - awesome! The beautiful portion is, we experience God's goodness and glory because we are in Christ - in the Rock of all ages. We are nothing without Jesus.

And yet, if it is Almighty God who has put us in Christ because of the perfection of His work on the cross - how then can we, by our actions lose our salvation and be out of the Rock? To say so would mean that Jesus did not do a perfect work. For if Christ is not resurrected, we will be still in our sins.)


One of my favourite hymns...

Glory, glory
Glory to the Lamb!

Glory, glory
Glory to the Lamb!

For You are glorious!
and worthy to be praised!
You're the lamb upon the throne

and unto You
we lift our voice in praise!
You're the lamb upon the throne!


Why do we sing glory?

It's His goodness... I see the cross.

Why do we lift our voice in praise?

We can't help it... I see the cross, His goodness and His love for me!

Worthy, worthy to be praise! Hallelujah! Jesus, the lamb of God!

Wind

Acts 2:1-4

When the Day of Pentecost had fully come, they were all with one accord in one place. And suddenly there came a sound from heaven, as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled the whole house where they were sitting. Then there appeared to them divided tongues, as of fire, and one sat upon each of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance.


Isaiah 40:

Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.

His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.

Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

Song...

Did I ever tell You
You're my Hero
You're everything I wish I could be!

I can fly higher than an eagle!
For You are the wind beneath my wings...

Nostalgia

Thought of a song today... had various 'likes' and infatuations growing up and 2 crushes. Maybe it's 'cos I had lunch with a good friend today who recently got attached. We knew each other in university - and well, my first crush was in my 2nd year - that was about 6 years ago.

6 years is a pretty long time and the feelings have long been gone. But it was 8 months whilst it lasted - I even had a 'theme song' for us... and today, it just popped into my mind.

but if I let you go
I will never know
what my life would be
holding you close to me
Will I ever see
you staring back at me?
How would I know
if I let you go...

by Westlife

I must say though, 'likes', infatuations or crushes aside; I'm glad to say that my first love is and always will be Yeshua.

Never knew love till I met You... (should be a title of a song :))

Hmm.. like in limbo land but quite contented? It's just feeling a little weird - like I'm a perfectly happy single wondering wandering... hmmm...

I guess this musing happened because I believe God guards my heart but Pastor also said "it's better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all" - encouraging us to take risks... :S Maybe he's speaking to the guys. I just don't have the inclination to.

It's like you have everything and then there's a suggestion (in my mind) that I'm missing out on something? But search as I might, I don't think so.

Ahh... Lord, whatever. You know my heart in this. I'm SO over it since last year. Now, I just want to focus on the ministry that you've placed in my heart. The marketplace! :)

edit: Wrote the above yesterday... just now, reading the birthday present that Jeri gave. There was this paragraph which was 'timely' ;) and confirmed what was in my heart:

"It is the job of a real man to find his woman, pursue her, and capture her heart. It is the job of the woman to be ready to be found - a much easier job description. But it will only be easy if you have your head and your heart together."

My birthday outing!

Yesterday (Saturday), the gals celebrated my birthday with me! It was wonderful!

First, we had a late lunch at (get ready now, long name coming up!) Crystal Jade Ginseng Chicken and BBQ. They had generous portions there and the food was really delicious! We got the set menu for 2 - but shared amongst 3 persons.

Jeri and me were at the table. We got to 'BBQ-ed' our beef and chicken. It was our first attempt. When John came, he shook his head and remarked at our 'burnt offerings' (actually, it wasn't that burnt!) and proceeded to take charge of the cooking... so sweet :D - so that we are able to enjoy the meal more.

Later, Jove and Cindy arrived (John had to leave halfway) and we proceeded for a leisurely walk from Centrepoint all the way to Fullerton. Then we sat down at Bakerz Inn for mostly desert. Ahh.. so nice. We talked and shared and chilled out.

Then we decided to check out Clarke Quay. So we walked there. I haven't been there for some time but it was really bustling. I almost gate-crashed a wedding dinner - almost, 'cos I had no guts. It was at this beautiful Chinese restaurant called Peony-Jade (lovely name!) restaurant. It was in a pseudo-shophouse and had a staircase leading up to where the banquet was held. A beautiful designed elegant entrance. I thought it was a wonderful idea to hold the wedding dinner in a restaurant like this instead of traditionally in a hotel. Of course, if I had the cash, I would have my dinner on a cruise-ship. :D

There were a lot of foreigners around - a very worldly place I suppose, but I always liked a busy atmosphere. I do like the city. Though looking at the pubs and clubs and couples, I did feel a little sorry? for them. It looked like this was the lifestyle - the only way they know how to 'relax'. Hmm.. what's the word? There was a weary worldly air about them. Me? I felt like a curious kid, more there to see the architecture and design of the place. It's really cool! Very post-modern feel.

I really enjoyed myself with the fellowship and just exploring the places we have here. :)

Here are the birthday pics that Jeri sent! I had some trouble but finally managed to get them up! Hallelujah!

Here's Abba's beloveds! Cindy, me and Jeri in front of the Durian - a local landmark :D

The babes: Jeri, Jovy and moi and the lovely skyline

Glowing Cindy and me, pretty as can be :)

In front of the merlion, holding that cute bouquet that Jovy gave :)

Easter Sunday!

Today's worship was awesome! And so was the choir item :D This phrase keeps ringing in my heart... "Arise my Love! Arise!"

'cos You came near, from the everlasting
to the world we live,
the Father's only Son...

You lived, You died,
You rose again on high!
You opened the way
for the world to live again
Hallelujah! for all You've done!

To give us life, He gave His...

and the wonderful proclaimation!

My redeemer lives!
My redeemer lives!
My redeemer lives!
My redeemer lives!

Hallelujah!

Oh! Today is the day! Where Jesus, the Christ rose from the dead! Arise my Love! Arise! Triumphant! Oh, what a triumph! To burst open death's doors! Crush the head of the serpent! And O now, high and lifted up! Exalted forever! My Lord and King! Arise my Love, arise!

To serve a LIVING God! Awesome!

But today Pastor pointed out, more than any other depiction of God in the bible, is His identity as our Shepherd.

Psalm 23

What a refreshing! What beauty and majesty! What love! Altogether lovely! Altogether wonderful to me!

Who is there like You Lord?

Seeing the beauty in others

Today I went for 4th service - and I was in the queue going to church. I was alone in the queue, just trying to meditate on what Easter meant in the midst of the hustle and bustle of Suntec. Was quite excited about going to church 'cos I was going to see Him!

It was already 4.25 pm and service was to start at 4.15 pm. Beside me, a lady began to grumble.

Now, she wasn't dressed well, was skinny, approximately was in her 50s - and she began complaining to me, a total stranger. Her face was in a frown and she started going on about why it was so long, why the people haven't come out yet, why did we always have to queue up, how she was told to come early etc etc. She didn't seem like a pleasant person.

Well, my mind could come up with a dozen reasons. 'Pastor is feeding the sheep; oh glorious revelations! Still many people come, well worth the wait etc etc..' but I didn't say it 'cos I felt it wasn't worthwhile to justify to her - she didn't seem to be in the mood to listen. And well, I think Abba asked me to keep my mouth shut. So I just smiled sympathetically, kept quiet, looked ahead, around occasionally. Not someone I wanted to carry on a conversation with. I just wanted to mind my own business.

After a while, she piped down 'cos I guess, I was not responsive. Then she wished me, "Happy Easter!" and smiled. We shook hands.

And I felt ashamed. Because I realised that I had been silently judging her by her words and conduct and dismissing her as someone who 'hasn't had that revelation of grace yet - or else she would be patient and wait cheerfully' Yet she had been the one to initiate the greeting.

Then she started talking about her work. Her english wasn't very good and I had difficulty making out what she was trying to say. But I felt that Abba just wanted me to listen to her - so I just nodded - and listen. She just wanted someone to listen to her. We started sharing; and as she talked, her face started 'glowing' and she started smiling. Oh! What a difference a smile made! She started giving glory to God... and the more she shared, the more she smiled.

Oh! She looked so beautiful when she smiled! Like she was lighted up within! Don't know where it was from, but suddenly, I just felt she was so wonderful, so worthy to be loved - how much Jesus loved her. And I leaned over, put one arm about her, to give her a hug.

She turned back to give me a hug too! A more proper one! With two arms! :D

The queue started to go in....

Then during worship, my mind recalled this incident. And I realized, that the love that I 'suddenly' felt for her was God loving her through me. I mean, He put me a position to virtually see a transformation in this beloved sister. From being sour-faced and griping about the queue to the glorious radiance on her face. I could literally see the Christ in her! When she started smiling, she was so beautiful! Obviously, it was not physical - she was reflecting His light.

He showed me how He sees us and loves us. I finally understood what my leader was telling me about God using me as an instrument to love others. Being a conduit is such a privilege! To literally be able to feel - it's supernatural! Because before God is able to touch that person, He touches my heart first! What an Easter present!

During worship, I was so moved when He thanked me for loving her, even in that short span of time. Yet I know the love I felt, is not mine, it's Him. In that few moments when I was with her and felt close to her, really, it's those moments on retrospect, that Abba's heart and mine are beating as one. It's abiding in His love.

I finally understood the true spirit of these verses in the gospel:-

Matthew 25:34-40

Then the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’

“Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’


Because from my perspective, the lady I was loving was her, but not really her. For those few minutes, I was loving Jesus in her. And that was why I was able to love her.

Couplehood

It's wonderful how God is able to speak even through the movies.

Without the Word, a movie is just a good story; with the Word, Abba can be involved in the most innocuous of scenes.

To the wives who have been told to submit to the husbands, as unto the Lord.

Well, it can seem like a command - as if we have the choice taken out of our hands - 'cos the bible says so? And as if to comfort ourselves, we put the qualifer "as unto the Lord"

In the movie, "Take the Lead" there was a short scene where Antonio Banderas was teaching two teenagers how to dance the waltz. He tells the girl to follow the guy because he will be leading her. She says, hands on hips, "what? so now he gets to be in charge?"

And Mr B replies, "no, no. The guy proposes the next step, it is the girl's choice to follow."

And in a relationship, is it not a dance between a couple?

The bible says the man is the head of the household and the woman is to submit. But there is a glory in submission. Firstly, man and woman are created equal but different. There is a beauty in the woman respecting her husband as head of the household and submitting herself - it implies that she is more 'powerful' (for lack of a better word) and hence submits herself to him. Secondly, the initiative still lies with her - it is ultimately, her choice.

Have a love break!

Thank God for my daily devotion subscription to NCC.

Sometimes, I find it unfair. That Jesus can be in my mind - He's there but doesn't seem there.

I suppose I'm talking about those lovin' feelings. I'm like this child who constantly needs to be assured; like an insecure woman who constantly needs to be affirmed.

A little disgusted with that. I don't like to see weakness in myself. Yet it is this acknowledgement of my own weakness - this humbling of self that I can find sustenance in Him.

So today's message was pretty apt. Have a love break! Take time away, just doing nothing but focus of Him and meditate on His love. Personally, my mind tends to be wander when I'm 'doing' nothing. So here I am typing on my blog, to focus on Him.

Well, I'm reminded. This picture just floats up in my mind's eye. I'm so in love. I'm sitting on the bed, holding hands with my Beloved and looking into His eyes - and just smiling and looking and clasping hands.

Take a love break! Just that.

And I sigh. Could we get any closer Lord? This peaceful, beautiful contentment, sedate satisfaction is warm and fuzzy - but what about the ectasy? When You reach in the innermost part of me and move me inexplicably. This quiet knowing and confidence is nice but nice is such a tame word Lord.

Today's Good Friday. The day we celebrate Your death. I am both sad and resigned. To recall You my Love, at the cross, naked and betrayed - and know that it is through Your sufferings that we have the victory. Yes, without Your death, there would be no church and it is through Your blood that I can stand before You; that You can embrace me. It is at once, both bittersweet.

Lord, I'm wearing black today. It's a day of fellowship as I go meet with my other babes-in-Christ for lunch. You're so good! You set me in families. And yet at the same time, I want to hide away with You - to a far corner of the earth. Where we will be isolated forever, just You and me. O Lord, I feel so needy. Just for you! And it's so tempting at this time, NOT to care for anyone else! I feel so jealous of You. I don't want to share You with anyone!

Yet it is a wonder that You can be God of all and still beloved Hubby of one. Surely You transform me into a secure, confidant, beautiful woman - favoured and loved by everyone. But between the both of us, You want me to need You, to rely on You, to depend on You, to love ONLY you - just for this time...

And I gladly do it Lord! You overwhelm me my Love.. there is none like You. No one else can touch my heart like You do. I can search for all eternity Lord and find, there is none like You.

Sometimes, I don't want anyone but You. Any guy would distract me from You and right now I just feel Lord, I don't want You to give me away to anyone. I don't want a life partner Lord, I don't want a boyfriend or husband or whatever, I just want You Jesus! Just You!

Lord, I don't know why I should need You like this. I just do, and I am not ashamed of it. It's such a confidence Lord, that You, in turn, love me passionately - in words I can't describe. What can I say my Love? My soul sings when You love me. You move me like nobody else can!

... geez, I'm smiling happily now, what a break! You restore me! You refresh me!

Seven Wonders

A little story I got from a brother's blog. :)


A group of students was asked to list what they thought were the present Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:

1. Egypt's Great Pyramids

2. Taj Mahal

3. Grand Canyon

4. Panama Canal

5. Empire State Building

6. St. Peter's Basilica

7. China's Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one quiet student hadn't turned in her paper yet, so she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.

The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many." The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."

The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:

1. to See

2. to Taste

3. to Touch

4. to Hear

She hesitated a little, and then added,

5. to Feel

6. to Laugh

7. and to Love

The room was so full of silence you could have heard a pin drop. Those things we overlook as simple and "ordinary" are truly wondrous. This is a gentle reminder that the most precious things in life cannot be bought. God gave them to us.

Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

Mandarin song

This song's written by Karen Lim from New Creation Church.

Lifted this from this babe's blog, who in turn got it from another babe's blog. So here, passing on the good news! :)


您永远永远不停的爱我
无微不至的扶持我
您的爱何等伟大奇妙
永不离开我永不离弃我

您说我是您心爱的人
我的一举一动您都关怀
你爱我直到天涯海角
语言不能诉说您的大恩

您带走我的伤痕忧愁
在世界上宝血洗剂我罪
我心灵被更新
重新生命我领受

耶稣我爱您 深深的爱您
因为您先爱我
我罪已得赦免 我心已得安慰
大爱拯救了我

耶稣我爱您 深深的爱您
因为您先爱我
我罪已得赦免 我心已得安慰
大爱拯救了我

How do I live

Song from LeAnn Rimes :) (with some slight amendments)


How do I,
get through the night without You?
If I had to live without You,
What kind of life would that be?
Oh, I
I need You in my arms, need You to hold,
You're my world, my heart, my soul,
If You ever leave,
Darling You would take away everything good in my life,

And tell me now
How do I live without You?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without You?
If You ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

Without You,
There'd be no sun in my sky,
There would be no love in my life,
There'd be no world left for me.
And I,
Darling I don't know what I would do,
I'd be lost if I lost You,
If You ever leave,
Darling You would take away everything real in my life,

And tell me now,
How do I live without You?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without You?
If You ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

Please tell me darling,
How do I go on?

If You ever leave,
Darling You would take away everything,
I need You with me,
Darling don't You know that You're everything,
Real in my life?

And tell me now,
How do I live without You,
I want to know,
How do I breathe without You?
If You ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

A glimspe! Inner thoughts

My Dear!

I'm feeling quite literary tonight. Poetic, anticipating, awaiting to release a torrent of indulgent expressive words!

Indulgence! What is indulgence? This sense of feeling full of oneself - too satisfied, arrogant? - yet not pride but a certain, yes, self-satisfaction. All is good with the world and myself and I am contented.

Contentment - what mediocrity! Easily satsified with life?

But what's the alternative? Driven by fear? What a horrible way to live!

Driven by ambition? Isn't that too focused on self?

Or is this the fear of being focused on self that has made me shy away from ambition, deter me from yearning for perfection; persuaded me to be 'satisfied' with the status quo?

Lord, You know my temperament!

To keep Your lovely face
ever before my eyes
this is my prayer
make it my strong desire!

That in my secret heart
No other love competes
No rival throne survives
and I serve only You!

Change of subject.

I tell You a secret! I dislike someone!

Yes, I dislike her because she first disliked me! bah! Childish right?

I'm trying to not care about it - but it's kind of hard having to have Christian acceptance towards her; especially as I feel that she's pinpointing me! I'm pretending I don't know - of course I do! I just wish she was as diplomatic!

Ah well. No condemnation! I can't like everyone. And everyone can't like me! Their 'pah sar' Lord, same as before. I'm going to toss this irritant issue to You and not let it bother me. I know that in time, I will genuinely love her and I know it'll not be me, it'll be You. And it'll be wonderful!

Okay, back to the topic!

I just realised that yes, in every little thing, You show me how you shower Your blessings! And You've been telling me it's pittance to what You have in store for me. Why should I be satisfied with so little when You have died to give me ALL that You have and made me Your heir?

And I shouldn't be going round in circles. It's wonderful to have vision! And I believe You write Your laws in my heart - You have wonderful plans already laid out for me, wrapped up beautifully, awaiting patiently for my discovery and awe at how cool a Dad You are! Oh Abba! I know You are good, good, GOOD, GOOOOOODDDD!!! to me.

For me, I just feel You want to lead me one step at a time. To be faithful in one little step at a time. :) And yet, You've given me an imagination for more! Like drawing pictures within my spirit and soul - like You did! You had a dream! A dream for friends, a family, a bride! Eons and eons ago, You dared dream and paid the ultimate price!

Oh Abba! My Lord! My King! Give me the daring! The gumption! The hope! That God-fidence in You! To fulfil the potential in me! To REALISE all that You've already given! Not to shrink back at Your goodness but to run towards it and embrace it!

Working out my salvation with fear and trembling.

Wow, "fear and trembling" - are Your dreams for me really that glorious?! Is Your goodness ever comprehensible? Would I fall at Your feet and weep on that day when I truely realise how good You are to me?

Even now!

I'm just thinking Lord - that phrase keeps running through my mind! "To live is Christ! To die is gain!"

TO LIVE IS CHRIST.

What is life really?

What does it mean to live?

Would I really understand? To live is Christ.

That the purpose and meaning of life is Christ. And Christ alone!

Sometimes I wonder Lord, how I stumbled through life without You. And what You did on the cross to save me! And Lord, you know, I get angry for Your sake! I'm not as good and patient as You. I hate it when people scorn You. When they despised Your Word; when they snap and complain as You offer the gift of salvation to them.

Do they know that the gift is paid for with Your life? With Your blood? That You hung on that cross for 6 hours? That a Holy God who knew no sin carried the sins of the world?

Do they really know what sin is?

Do they know about my brothers and sisters who were thrown to the lions, persecuted, burnt at the stake, martyred, to bring the bible to them, the gospel to them?

Why do You keep offering Yourself to the world who has scorned You and slapped You away repeatedly?

Just like me.

The memory of how You never gave me up moves me Lord. And I know that it's pride that holds me back. My love for You Lord, is a selfish love. I hurt to see You scorned. You came to save them from death at such an awesome price - so that salvation can be a gift, freely offered.

Some part of me wishes to hold on to that grudge - how dare you spurn my Jesus! But even as I type this, it seems so petty and small to hold such a thought - even as I speak to You about it, my spirit cringes away from so small a mindset and expanding elsewhere into Your marvelous light!

Lord, I love it that You accept me the way I am! I don't know how You can remain so faithful and patient. I love You more and more as I realise how much You love me. And because I love You Lord, I shall love the non-believers as well. And I shall be patient with them; as You were with me. And I know that the ability to love, to accept, to be patient and to be gracious with them lies not at all in me. It is Your love for me - that embrace of love that empowers me. Oh Lord - yucks, enough of those warm fuzzy feelings I'm getting right now towards them already! I get the message already! You never fail to put a silly grin on my face!

My love, I love the way You tease (is that the right word?) me into seeing things Your way! Gosh, You love me into wholeness and humour again!

Is it any wonder Lord? I love You! Not as much as You love me... show me more of Yourself, Jesus! I want to be able to love You more! To know more of Your love for me! There's such security in that! :)

Plunge in!

It's kinda of strange how non-believers approach Christianity.

For example, it doesn't make sense to 'debate' science. I don't talk about whether the study of science would benefit me; where the science textbooks were published, or research the credentials of people who wrote them. I don't compare how 'science' is better than other studies like history or philosophy. If I wanted to 'know' science, I just dive right in and read and that's how I learn.

But with Christianity is different. One would think, if you wanted to know about Christianity - so easy! We only have one book; dive right in and check it out! But noooo... they have to ask who wrote the book, when it was written, whether it was accurate, whether it's worthwhile to study.

I wish I can be more patient with other people since I was in their position before. Alas! I'm not God. My 'mercy' does not endureth. There are some things I want to say but which I do not feel 'released' to say. But I have to say it! So here it is!

I'm so glad that now I see! :)

Charisma

I've found that spiritual people - down to earth spiritual people who know how to joke, who dress the same as anyone but yet have that 'glow' - are attractive.

I believe that the word 'charismatic' - used to describe a denomination of christianity not only refers to the charismatas (the gifts of the spirit) but to me, also suggests that the person is charismatic.

And why not? Such has the favour of God upon him; the Lord's face shining upon him; the consciousness of the Holy Spirit residing in him - how would beauty not attract?

I'll be honest. I know I have the favour of God upon me. And being a female, I subconsciously played the 'feminine card'. It occured to me sometime ago that I have more male clients. It was explained to me way before that usually that's the case - something about the opposite sex.

So when I became disappointed with a particular incident, I took the 'rejection' (what I perceived as rejection) personally. I realised then that I was depending on my own charisma and not the favour of God. Somehow I have crossed that line and believed that it was me and not the favour upon me.

Of course, it is tempting to use the favour for my own ends. I think that was what happened with David and Bathsheba. That is why it is important to be grounded in His love and keep my eyes focused on him. It is tempting for the ego to think that it is I who am attractive. Then there is the dilemna, because it is Christ through me, it is I in Christ and Christ in me, so technically, it's 'I'.

Well, I guess what I'm trying to say is to know that all that one IS and one has comes from Jesus. In matters of charima and chemistry and whatever, it would do well to daily remind ourselves that it is the reliance on God's favour that we depend on. We should daily 'see' and acknowledge the glory and honour that He has crowned us with, with a thankful heart. :)

Stomata

Last Sunday, Pastor preached on being led by the spirit.

He gave this analogy as part of this sermon and it was an image that I was thinking about today...

Something about hearing the sounds of the forest help the trees in their growth. Their stomatas widen to absorb the sound and nutrients etc..

Similarly, when we pray in tongues, something about the heavenly language - our spirit man responds like the tree and grows, and fluorishes.

Amazing Grace!

Amazing grace
how sweet the sound!
The saved a wretch like me!

I once was lost
but now am found
was blind but now I see!


and from another 'hymn'..


Amazing love! how can it be
that You, my King would die for me
Amazing love, I know it's true
It's my joy to honour You
In all I do, I honour You!

I'm forgiven, because You were forsaken.
I'm accepted, You were condemned
I'm alive and well, Your spirit lives within me
because You died and rose again!

As time goes by

Recently celebrated a number of birthdays! :D And mine is coming up too so with it approaching, of course, there's a time of reflection.

There was a time when I was the youngest in any gathering. And when you're 18-21 years young, it's pretty common for people to remark how young you are!

Well, I'm going on 27 now. And I was talking with Cindy, you know, 27 is 3 years short of the big 3-0. But I don't feel like I'm 27, ought to get married, start a family and all. In fact, 27 seems like such an 'old' number for what I'm feeling.

And it struck me that birthdays track one's BIOLOGICAL age. Simply that, marking the passage of time. But one's ACTUAL age is how one really feels inside.

Yet at the same time, my thought processes and values have changed since I was 22 years young. :) Indeed, looking back, I could see how naive, impressionable and somewhat childish I was. Isn't it great then to feel young and yet be wiser?

If anyone asks for my age, I feel obligated to state my biological age. But something inside me kinda of cringe 'cos I know it's a lie. I certainly don't feel that way although reason, circumstances and the world and 'reality' seem to pressure otherwise. Is it the shalom peace that is guarding my heart?

It's not like Alan Tam's forever 25 you know. I don't know whether he really believes it or he's in denial or vain or whatever. :D For myself, I don't think I feel this way... I just feel rather young - definitely younger than 27 years! :D

I feel young and carefree! Really! :D Inside, I'm still a frisky, cheeky but thank God! wiser, 22! :D