Benign frustration

Because of the restructuring in my company, I am not allowed to 'close' any cases and to 'prospect' for clients.

Basically, I can't do anything. When I don't work, I feel so blah.. and when I feel that way, I don't feel like working.

It's frustrating 'cos I was just starting my engine, getting into the zone, as some sports people would say. My 'zoning' period is measured in months. So after a pretty long lull in the beginning of this year, I was getting into gear when I heard the news.

You know, it's like a false start in a race.

And just as I was getting out of the rut... I guess I was anticipating His blessings. I remember Pastor saying that the extent that I'm frustrated, is the extent I'm not surrendering my life to Him.

Like today, I was a coach potato. Literally. I was sprawled in front of the goggle box, interspersed between shopping and chatting with a good gal friend.

Yes, mentioning her perks me up! We have very funny interesting conversations. Betcha never discussed with someone "the accurate grammatical representation of a phrase depends on a positive or negative turn of expression." :D And we talked about "everyone perceiving the world through templates - the difference is how defined one's boundaries are." Excellent!

I'm typing this entry after watching yet another hilarious episode of The Nanny and I should be sleeping and rested...

I'm tired of this roller-coaster of emotions.. I don't know why I am surprised at how badly I 'perform'. In and of myself, I can't do any good thing.

How many times have I reminded myself?

Self-control is a fruit of the spirit.

Not by might, nor my power, but by My Spirit, says the Lord of Hosts.

Delight yourself also in the LORD,And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

The last thing I want to be Lord, is 'professional' Urgh!

But Abba, You have created in me a new heart. You write Your laws upon my heart. You give me the desires of my heart. A desire to work, a desire to excel, to achieve - it's not something that I have to conjure up.

And remind me Lord, not to be disappointed with my performance. I look at what I do and what I should be doing. But douse me in Your Word Lord. No one can continue in Your Word without it producing discipline!

You have not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of a sound mind! Abba, fear is a spirit! Frustration is a spirit! Boredem is a spirit! They are of death! But You came that I may have life - the zoe kind of life! And life more abundantly! Let this not be head knowledge Lord.

Holy Spirit, help me to pray! Keep me in Your shalom peace. Your goodness, Your kindness, Your love, embraces me. It doesn't matter how many times I fall.. I am still the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.. and Your beloved daughter!

Amen! I love You, I love You, I love You!