It's okay to be real with Him

The last time I had a meeting with my boss like this (in April), it didn't go too well. I had a problem submitting to the system in the company (see below of 'Submission')

Yesterday, I resolved. I told the Lord, I'll submit to it.

This morning, I would be meeting my boss again.

This morning, I got up and changed my mind.

I told Abba, I really can't do it. Oh, I can do it outwardly with a horrible attitude. But I'm not kind of person. I'm real stubborn. If I can't submit inwardly, I won't submit at all! I can't bring myself to submit in form.

The Lord has been wearing me down - honestly :) In April, I could not submit due to pride. Now, I could not submit due to logistics. Submitting means coming back every Mon and Wed mornings for meetings and going back to my home office. It would mean an additional 2 hours of travelling. I could not bring myself to travel 4 hours for meetings I don't benefit from.

As I was travelling there, I was praying, quite desperately. Partly in tongues, partly telling the Lord to "do it for me 'cos I can't!"

When I met her, I told her, "I think I may know what you're going to talk about. I've been praying about this meeting."

She said, "Have you?" and laughed "me too!"

I wish I could testify that the Lord changed my heart at the last second, and I could submit joyfully, inwardly and outwardly!

He did not.

I was just as confused at the point of time of 'confrontation'.

I wanted to be very real with her. I simply could not submit for the sake of submitting. So I told her of my dilemna.

And she just listened and listened.

Anyway, the long and short of it is that we talked about it - our meeting lasted for about 40 mins. And it went much better than expected. Although there were some parts I felt I was not being understood, unlike the previous meeting, I could see where she was coming from. She was not coming from the angle of reprimand and towing the company line but was speaking as a matter of concern and desirous of giving support. And I really thank Abba for allowing me to see that.

After our meeting, we had another group meeting.

Usually, I find this type of group meeting to be a waste of time. But feeling relieved that my meeting with my boss went so smoothly, I went into the next meeting with as open a mind as possible.

Praise the Lord! There was so much life that I drew from the second meeting. I don't think it benefited the others as much as it benefited me. Really, Jesus is in this. Even when I didn't go expecting, He forced a way where there seems to be no way. Now, I feel like I'm even looking forward to future meetings where once I was adamantly against it.

I'm so very glad that Abba is there, in spite of me. I was wrestling and wrestling with him over this matter for months.

He gave me His Word, He gave me good counsel through my fellowship but everything inside me shrunk from it. My heart was in the right place. I wanted to do the right thing - what He wants me to do, but I couldn't do it.

But you know, with what little obedience (read faith), with what teeny tiny little step I take, He really turned my heart around for me. All I did was present myself at the meeting.

But He is so faithful. I can't, but He can. All I had to do was ask. I didn't miraculously had a change of heart just before the meeting. But praise God, His favour was there. And that changed the situation. I love Him so!

He knows the struggle that I was going through. I'm so glad I can be real with him with what I feel even though I know insubordination is against the scriptures. He didn't condemn at all.

From this experience, I learnt that it's okay to whine, complain, deny - but in the midst of all that, to return to His love and His ability, not my flesh and my will. The days before I kept confessing that I have died to self and it is not longer I, but Christ who lives in me... to no avail.. OR so I thought! :D He truely writes His laws in our hearts.


I love You Abba! :)