For women only

I wonder how many brothers will read this anyway.. :D

This is a summary of half the book - for wives to understand their husbands. But ladies and gentlemen, comments on the accuracy of this author's findings would be welcomed! :D


From the book "LOVE AND RESPECT" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Okay, this book is for married couples. But it was an interesting read. I shall just quote some parts of the book here.

C-H-A-I-R-S is an acronym that stands for six major values that your husband holds: Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship, and Sexuality

A man's first and fundamental impulse is to serve, especially in response to being honored.

You show him respect regardless of his response.

Your husband is made in the image of God, and he has God-given attributes that are worthy of respect.

The point is this: look at his desires and not his performance

A wife must try to see what God sees.

In terms of a man's self-image, he needs to be the chairman; he needs to drive. He needs to be first among equals, not to be superior or dominating but because this is how God has made him and he wants to take on that responsibility.



Conquest - Appreciate His Desire to Work and Achieve


A husband values respect more than love.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband's work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

He spells love R-E-S-P-E-C-T

During courtship a woman glows with a message to her man: "I love you and am here for you. I respect what you want to do and who you want to be. I long to help you. That's what love is all about."

The male feels a deep need to be involved in adventure and conquest. This is not an option for him; it is a deep-seated trait.

Many women have no idea of the importance men put on their work. If a wife even implies, unknowingly that her husband's work is not that important, she has just called him a loser.

He wants a woman who believes in him.

Men do what they do for the admiration of one woman.

It is so important that you thank him and let him know you admire and support him.



Hierarchy - Appreciate His desire to protect and provide


"His firmness with me was rooted in his protective role"

The problem many women have today - is that they want to be treated like a princess, but deep down they resist treating their husbands like the king. They aren't willing to recognize that in the depth of his very soul a husband wants to be the one who provides and protects - he wants to be an umbrella of protection who would willingly die for his wife if need be.

Men are more vulnerable to criticism when it is related to "headship" issues.

"I guess if there's one fan I want in the world, it would be my wife."

"I also realize I must learn to respect him because of the position God gave him in our family, not because I feel he deserves or doesn't deserve it, but because God wants me to be obedient to Scripture. He knows what's best for me - HIS way is always best."



Authority - Appreciate his desire to serve and to lead


If a decision must be made, the wife is called upon to defer to her husband, trusting God to guide him to make a decision out of love for her as the responsible head of the marriage.

1 Peter 3:1-2 (The Message) The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty.

What He is saying is that your quiet and gentle spirit will melt your man's heart.

If your quietness is the right kind of quietness - respectful and dignified, not pouty and sour - he will move toward you. He will want to comfort you and take care of you. In essence, he will want to show you love. For the good-willed husband, the wife's quiet and respectful behaviour will act as a magnet.

This is the key to empowerment: you get what you want by giving him what he wants.

What your husband wants is your acknowledgement that he is the leader, the one in authority.

God has made your husband responsible (Eph 5:25-33), he needs the authority to carry out that responsibility.

Submission, respect, and quietness will engage your husband and draw him out.

Appreciating - and respecting - your husband's desire to serve you and lead the family takes faith, courage, and strength on your part.



Insight - Appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel


The bottom line to appreciating a man's desire to analyze and counsel is to realize he does have insight and to beware of any self-righteousness that might undermine his insight.

Guard against the attitude that he is the center of all the problems. Admit that you also have sins, issues, and weaknesses (in areas that he has strengths) and that you don't have perfect judgment in every case. You'll be amazed at how this energizes his soul.



Relationship - Appreciate his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship


..he was energized merely by her presence.

"This is how men communicate, by sharing experiences. Women share experiences by talking about them to each other, examining and infusing the experiences with their impressions and emotions. Men are different. They share their experiences by sharing an activity. This is what your husband wants to do with you."

Why do men like this shoulder-to-shoulder silence from their wives?

Titus 2:3-4 Paul says older women should teach the younger women to phileo their husbands - that is, to be friendly to them.

"We were friends, and she knew she needed to be friendly as well as loving"
These common experiences and mutual interests result in a sense of bonding.

When he calls you to be with him and you just do it, with little or no talking, you will see the energy flow into him.

Try seeing his need for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship. If he has closed you off and gone quiet, the way to draw him out is by simply being with him during some activity.

The simple truth is he just needs you to be there.



Sexuality - Appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy

Okay, not going to summarise here. You'll need to borrow the book from moi. :)