Getting emotional

A sister said I should let my hair down a bit... :) Yes, I agree. I have been just touching on topics haven't I? Well.. let's take it one step at a time.

Have you ever examined your feelings and ask "why am I thinking this way?" Rather than just feeling the emotion. Somehow, being detached means being in control. But it also dilutes the human emotional experience.

Gee, I sound like a psychiatrist. Like I said, one step at a time. :)

I haven't been angry for quite a while. Irritated, yes, but not angry.

The only feeling I'm open to sharing is enthusiasm. I tend to keep a lot of thoughts and feelings inside. There's like a public self and a private self. Basically, it's the same self. I don't act different in public or private. I guess the issue is the extent of sharing of self to others. Part of the reason is how I was brought up.

My parents are strict, but not overly so. They're rather traditional in the upbringing. The part about the rod I agree. But my dad used to say, "If you cry some more, I'll cane you."

Looking back, I'm not angry with him; I think all parents are just trying their best to bring us up. And a crying child is pretty stressful. So needless to say, faced with such a threat, I dare not cry.

And so it became a habit to keep my emotions inside. I'm used to bottling it up, that sometimes it explodes or become outright rebellion. I learnt that I need to put on a strong front, show no weakness, no vulnerability. Not that I have something to prove, it's just a habit.

In the past, before I came to Christ, I had all this pent-up resentment inside. The explosions became more and more frequent. I have been sheltered and controlled all these while.. you know the A1 type of student. There's always a coming of age where treating an adult as a child will produce rebellion. So I rebelled. How? By lifestyle. I was adopting all these 'modern' values and rejecting the 'traditional' virtues. Being a real modern woman, free choice and all. Because I wanted to make a decision for myself and not have them make it for me.

It was rebellion for rebellion's sake. And I was destroying myself and my future. The tragedy was that I was blind to it. I thought that I was being real modern adult.

Well, now that I've come to Christ, God has removed that stony heart and replaced it with a heart of flesh. And boy, is it soft. It's easier to submit to my parents. Of course, there'll still be clashes but now instead of exploding, I just take 'it'. Instead of arguing back, I just run up to my room for a good cry.

It's not the fact that because I'm Christian I don't argue. There's no desire to anymore. The anger has been spent. Words wound but love heals. Abba always let me rant to Him and embrace me in my times of hurt. It's His reassuring arms of love that gives me strength.

And I know my story is not unique. How many of us have been hurt in some way or other. But He saw and He knew, even whilst we were ignorant and He came to show us a better way, a better life, with Him.

Sometimes, I feel so 'bo chap' about some things that I wonder if there's anything wrong with me. Yes, casting all your cares and worries on Him - but there doesn't mean that I become emotionless.

Jesus was a Man with Passion. He's not like 'up there' all the time. He's a man with real emotions like anger and joy. There are times I felt that I had to love all the time, be happy most of the time. Do you know I missed feeling angry? Missed feeling passion?

Don't get me wrong, it's not anger for anger's sake. It's like righteous anger, you know? I'm not trying to sound more holy. But there are things that I should be angry with that I don't seem to be bothered about. I want that type of anger that galvanises action.

You know Jesus is so passionate. I'm passionate for the Word but I feel I'm not pressing in deep enough. I think that's a good thing because it means, I'm STILL passionate about it.

I guess I'm frustrated that I'm not feeling enough because I think God has greater things in store for me and I'm being impatient! Or is my spirit being enlarged so, that it's not so much impatience but anticipation? Oh Abba! I want to enjoy the process, and NOT be frustrated lah!

Actually, no, I don't think it's frustration. I'm trying to finger it... but can't seem to find the words to describe it.. It's like a waiting feeling.. waiting and waiting and anticipating and wondering when and knowing it is soon and smiling and trusting His goodness and love.